The Stock Market Crash: Protecting Your Favorite Movies since 2009
March 2nd, 2009 by Elliott David
The Dow closed below 6800, which is the lowest it’s been in about a dozen years. Yes, all hell has broken loose and we’re all going to die poor, but at least we have the past, right? They can’t take away our history, our art, our memories. Right? Right?
Nope. Since the movie studios are out of creative (read: lucrative) ideas, and directors are finally accepting the fact that they’re horrible writers who should never—ever—try to come up with original stories, the desperate trend of remakes surges forward. In attempts to capitalize on older “franchises,” by which I mean exploit the earnest dedication of fanboys, these dickheads are taking our fabulous movies of yore, rewriting them and reshooting them with reckless abandon, pissing on the VHS graves of great films. They’re filled with the false confidence of greed and the time-tested-and-failed idea that “people liked that, right?” As such, whole slew of movie remakes are rumored and soon-to-be released
Coming to a closed movie theater near you: The Last House On The Left.
It was a sad day indeed when I learned of this atrocity, which is sure to ruin Wes Craven’s 1972 original, one of my favorite films of all time. Of course, Craven’s film was an inspired modernization of Ingmar Bergman’s classic, The Virgin Spring. So perhaps Joe Nobody’s totally unnecessary remake will modernize it further to include an iPhone as a revenge-murder tool. Appropriately enough, the trailer comes with another remake: a flaccid cover of GNR’s “Sweet Child o’ Mine” that is a softer version of the epic original.
Rumored: For a while now there have been talks of remaking Total Recall. Apparently it’s gonna happen, and, as if all our oxygen was hijacked by some corporate fascist dictator, there’s nothing we can do about it but choke. If this does happen, forcing me to kill myself, I reckon the new film will be based on Paul Verhoeven’s sci-fi staple, and not, say, the Phillip K. Dick short story his film was based on, and some roided-out WWE wrestler who most high-school graduates have never heard of will star as Douglas Quaid (né Hauser).
But I know at least one classic film that will be saved by these ruined days:

Ain’t nobody gonna make a movie about bored stock-market tycoons who hand their company over to some homeless asshole. Primarily because most of those tycoons are in jail or broke already (there goes your ending), their companies are dying/dead, it’s currently impossible to make money in the stock market, and we’ve confirmed that a homeless person chosen at random would probably have an equal if not better understanding of domestic and international economics than those soft-cock bottoms who are running ruining our top financial institutions.
Perhaps they can stretch their imaginations and think of something or someone else to use as a basis for a movie about a black guy who gets put in charge of the future of major financial institutions…












































