LOS ANGELES COUNTY HALL OF JUSTICE – L.A. Sheriff’s Department official Tate Dillow has issued a warning advising residents to “avoid walking alone in places where clowns might be active, which means everywhere,” and that “residents should avoid following clowns into the woods or allowing clowns to babysit their children, no matter how big their shoes might be.”
VENICE – On graduation day, Claudius “Bonzo” Radley didn’t throw his clown hat in the air. $100K in debt from clown college and facing a weak job market, he feels betrayed by the economic vision put forth by both major parties in this election. Cited for several incidents of bumper sticker vandalism, and multiple attacks on yard signage, the founder of the Occupy Clown Street movement is currently at number 96,647,392 on the FBI’s most wanted list.
HOLLYWOOD –Terry “Chuckles” Hawkins came to Los Angeles from Nebraska hoping to make it big in comedy, but was dismayed to discover that under-appreciation of expertise in the clownic arts is rife within the major film studios. Believed to be bitter, and in possession of multiple different red noses, Chuckles should be considered armed with balls and mildly dangerous.
LOS FELIZ – Luigi “Bobo” Fellini was last seen leaving Jumbo’s Clown Room, furious at the appropriation of his noble art for salacious trade. Partygoers, hedonists, and hussies should be on alert for this deranged menace, known to occasionally drive around in an incredibly small car.
DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES – The LA Times are reporting of multiple attacks on on DTLA residents distracted by their phones. The clown is believed to be Thomas “Giggles” Bradshaw, a children’s birthday party clown who “tied one too many balloons” and assaulted a crowd of kids that refused to look up from their iPhones. “He just snapped, went totally loco,” said Paul Martinez, who hired Giggles for his son’s birthday party. “My son’s friend Hector was playing Angry Birds when the payaso grabbed the phone and threw it against the wall. ‘This is art!’ he screamed.” Downtown denizens are advised to keep their phones in their pockets.
BEVERLY HILLS – Police are on the lookout for what has been called “A terrifying but very well-dressed clown,” piloting an orange, green, and magenta colored Uber SUV around the city. Local resident Courtney Heiser says she is lucky to be alive after her encounter: “I just hopped into the back like I always do. It wasn’t until he turned around to ask my destination that I realized something was seriously wrong.” Laughing maniacally, the clown took her on a high-speed ride with several novelty horn hoots before she was able to escape as the car slowed for foot traffic on Rodeo Drive. “The thing that really upset me was that he didn’t even offer me a slice of the cream pie sitting on the passenger seat,” she told Flaunt, “I gave him two stars because his car was pretty clean.”
Photographer: Easton Schirra at Studio.64.
Stylist: Santa Bevacqua.
Model: Maxwell Runko for Two Management.
Hair: Nikki Rae Fox.
Wig Artist: Zach Kilian.
Makeup: Miho Suzuki for Opus Beauty using Make Up For Ever.
Photography Assistants: Spencer Byam-Taylor and Lindsay Clark.
Styling Assistant: Leonard Anthony.