Before Patrick Bateman, there was Lestat de Lioncourt. And before the vampire Lestat, there was Caligula. Beyond impeccable personal style, mastery at soliloquy, and refined taste for tapestries and bloodlust, these fine gents have something else very special in common: they were all misogynistic dicks. And I truly believe that, simply enough, it was just because they never met the right special little lady. A woman who could understand them. A woman they could french-kiss without feeling compelled to chew off her tongue. You know, a real keeper. And why didn’t they find these women? Not because they don’t exist. Oh they’re out there: beautiful, articulate, compassionate women looking for the right sociopath to teach how to love. No, it’s because these guys were LAZY, terrified little boys who always went for the proximity fuck/homicide, rather than try to meet someone new and really put themselves on the line.
I mean, Bateman’s secretary Jean was meek and annoying, and all those girls in his social circle were vacuous twats. The hookers seemed nice, but he really didn’t give them much of a chance (in terms of emotional bonding or escape from bondage). Lestat’s Claudia was pre-pubescent and just wasn’t that into him, a point she finally made clear after nearly a century when she slit his throat and stabbed him repeatedly. Caligula’s sisters, whom he raped and prostituted, I don’t believe tried to set him up with any of their friends. And what with the ubiquitous orgies taking place in his palatial brothel, rarely did he take the time to sit down and get to know someone face-to-face (it’s really not the most inclusive position for an orgy).
Guys guys guys. Let’s be proactive, here. Don’t settle for what’s right in front of you. There are so many amazing women out there, you don’t have to project your fantasies and desperations onto the ones immediately around you. It’s unfair to them, and it’s unfair to you. Use the internet, get on J-Date, find someone you can RELATE to, and then turn her into a vampire or kill her with a nail gun. It’s not hard. Just imagine: a splendid night at the theater, a couple bottles of Barolo, perhaps that new pheasant recipe you two have been dying to try out, and then, when you’re at home and about to film her perform cunnilingus on a whore you picked up in Hell’s Kitchen and you say “don’t just stare at it, eat it,” she’ll look back at you with eyes that say I love you I love you I love you instead of, “why do you have all that rusty dental equipment in your nightstand?”
The point of this whole rant is that, if those three boys were alive today (or, you know, ever), I’ve found the perfect girl for them. The gorgeous and talented Human Ear Music artist Geneva Jacuzzi. Check out her new video for the song “Love Caboose” directed by Travis Peterson.
So if there’s a girl out there for those three role models, there’s got to be someone for you. Go get ‘em boys. And remember: bring flowers and don’t bite unless asked to. The safety word is: romance.