F L A U N T
This email is intended for Kid Rock. I’m not sure who monitors the k!dr0ck@gmail.com address, but in any case please send this off to Mr. Rock. No one else should read beyond this paragraph.
Ok—business time.
Hi Mr. Kid Rock, it’s Dan Toomey. I’m an LA-based crypto miner and entrepreneur. I moved out here to DJ bat mitzvahs and marry rich, but after a drug-fueled rave in Silver Lake last year I decided that crypto is the future. I’m all in.
For context: you and I met at the Grammys afterparty. You were passed out on Bruno Mars’ lap and I was gently pouring water into your mouth telling you everything was gonna be okay. I’m sure you don’t remember, but we had a great time and you had an erection.
I wanted to follow up on that convo we had about all the celebrities launching their own crypto tokens. I just wanna reiterate that now is absolutely the time for you to get in the game. You wanna make dummy bills with me? Then keep reading.
Caitlyn Jenner has the $JENNER token, Iggy Azalea has the $MOTHER token and Donald Trump has the $TRUMP token. Quite frankly, it’s shocking that Kid Rock hasn’t done this already.
If you don’t know what a crypto token is, here’s a copy-and- pasted description from my notes app that I’ve been sending to the single moms I was tryna bag on Bumble:
So, the three terms you gotta know are cryptocurrency, crypto tokens, and blockchain.
A blockchain is a digital ledger system that essentially records all of the transactions that take place on its technology. These recordings are made by people who monitor the system digitally. They’re called crypto miners.You might also know them as incels.
A cryptocurrency is a way of representing value on a blockchain. Kinda like a blockchain’s own dollar. Because of this, cryptocurrencies like bitcoin run on their own blockchain technology. Crypto tokens, however, are different. They’re essentially different currencies that are built off of a blockchain ledger. So multiple tokens could exist on the same ledger while multiple cryptocurrencies wouldn’t.
Do you hear that? That’s the sound of digital money flowing into the pockets of your digital cheetah-print leather pants, Kid Rock.
The plan is, we launch your own coin. Let’s call it “Kid’sCoin.” For short, “$KIDS.”
$KIDS will represent an ownership stake in the economy of Rock. It’ll go up on the ethereum blockchain because it’s apparently better for the world or whatever. I don’t know. I found out about this stuff like three weeks ago on Reddit. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that once this coin is released to the world, we gotta start pumping this thing to the stratosphere. This means heaps of shameless promotion.Your face needs to be gabbing about $KIDS on every major media outlet that’s out there in 2024. I’m talking Twitter, Twitch, Rogan, YouTube channels hosted by 10-year-old toy reviewers from China—you’ll be on all the cutting-edge platforms spreading the Good Word of Coin: “BUY $KIDS TODAY! IF YOU DON’T OWN $KIDS, YOU SUCK!!”
Stuff like that. Do whatever you want. The more insane, the better. Go on a podcast and say you love Mussollini. Speak in ebonics. Pull up in a Tesla Cyber Truck with some boobs spray painted on the side, condemn the Pope and then run over a baby. As long as you gain attention of any kind, people will buy the coin. Why? Because you’re a celebrity. People assume that you’ve done something right in life if you’re famous, even though you and I both know that’s not true.
Just watch. The more you promote, the more suckers will buy the token, the more it rises in value. You and I will obviously own most of the $KIDS, so we get richer in the process. Then once we feel like it’s at its peak (maybe when the market cap hits, like, $100 billion, or something), we dump!
At, like, 2 am, we tweet out that we got hacked overnight by some Uzbekistani coders, then sell everything we got. Suddenly, the value of $KIDS hits zero, we leave as billionaires, some saps get fleeced, and then in five years everyone forgets the whole thing. Trust me, this is literally what every other celebrity is trying to do with their token. You don’t wanna be left behind while Iggy Azalea gets loaded.
The best part is that none of this requires anyone to know squat about crypto—not me, not you, and most certainly not your fans. They’ll just join in because you’re the guy who wrote “All Summer Long.” Who rhymed “trying different things” with “smoking funny things?” You did, Kid Rock! You’re a god to these losers!
Simply put, it’s the perfect plan with the perfect partnership. I’m an entrepreneur, you’re a celebrity. There’s no better pair to make money off this crap without understanding it at all.
Ball’s in your court now, Kid. Let me know when you’re ready to rock.
Sincerely, Dan Toomey
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