Brunette working in the IT department: you handled it really well when my Cybertruck accidentally self-drove itself through the wall of the east wing and directly into your cubicle two days ago. As we all know, the Cybertruck is going to be in the shop for the next six months because of the accident and the whole NDA thing, but once this blows over, we should really hang out.

Tall guy from the Civil Engineering department - one time I had an inappropriate dream about you and I had to use all of my PTO to avoid work until I finally felt like I could look you in the eye again. I’m really anxious about this happening a second time when we’re in Texas because state law doesn’t require employers to give PTO. Please reach out before it’s too late.

To user Alpha46 on the company subreddit - we have been communicating back and forth for the past few years and I always agree with your takes. It’s like you can read my mind. Sometimes I think you get me more than my wife does, hah. I guess I’ll go out on a limb here and ask… would you be interested in meeting for a craft beer sometime? /gen

To the only girl who works on floor eight: you have always been really friendly to me. You ask me things like “How was your weekend?” and “Can you please pass me that pencil?” You’ve even smiled at me a couple of times. Clearly we are in love. Please contact the phone number below as soon as possible so we can make things official.  

To the only girl who works on floor eight (hi again!) We had a brief conversation last Thursday on the third floor kitchenette. You reached up to the top shelf for me to grab a mug, and didn’t even call me short like the rest of them do. Then you mentioned you also prefer black coffee. I want you.

Only girl who works on floor eight (stop playing hard to get!) When I told my mom about you she said you seem nice. My project lead was alluding to pay differentials across different states. You made a witty remark under your breath. Just a warning, remember a couple of years ago during the lawsuit when all of the critics of our CEO were terminated? Keep that in mind. Do you have an X account? I have premium. let’s message ;)

Woman on floor 8 (this is your last shot with me): you are surprisingly smart for a female. Even though we have the same degree and the same job, I assumed you would be much slower, so imagine my awe at your expertise during last quarter’s project. I also admire your breasts. 

OFFICIAL HR NOTICE: Any further messages directed towards a female employee that works on the eighth floor will no longer be tolerated in California. Try again in Texas, maybe?