F  L  A  U  N  T

 Illustrations by [Aram Omidwar](https://www.instagram.com/saladbuko.ca/?hl=en) **_NEW YEAR, NEW PANTS..._** ---------------------------- As I am sure you already know, the Pope underwent surgery this year to remove his colon, which alone could probably sum up this year for 8head. I’m surprised Matthew Herbert didn’t record the surgeon cutting that thing out, ringing it out like a sponge, blowing it up like a balloon and then manipulating it into a colon poodle. That would be a good way to end the year in general for public figures, wouldn’t it? Removing all of their colons and turning them into their inflated spirit animals for Instagram? Sounds about right. Let’s take a look at the rest of the year in all its weird and wonderful forms. Most of this is factual but for your entertainment has been mixed, mastered, and remixed 8head style with made up nonsensical rambles. If you’re happy for things to get saucy, then all I'm saying is, we’ve got the Tabasco.  **_YOU ARE NOT A HORSE_** ------------------------- "You are not a horse. You are not a cow. Seriously, y'all. Stop it,". These were actual words from the FDA’s twitter for people using livestock deworming medication on themselves to prevent COVID-19 early this year. Now, I believe most of these people were not horses or cows, but I'm not entirely convinced that there aren’t at least some human hybrids lurking in the haystacks. If I had a choice I would be an alpaca-mix, which would mean it would be entirely socially acceptable in my social circles to spit in your face.  **_JEFF GOES TO SPACE!_** ------------------------- In July the world’s baldest man went to space in a penis shaped rocket accompanied by his brother, an 18-year-old student and a mysterious woman named “Wally Funk”. Bezos had his own private quarters aboard the rocket whilst the other passengers were locked in a capsule, made to piss in bottles and sort through parcels. At touchdown Bezos high fived everyone and exclaimed “_Yaaaaas—best day ever!’’._  **_INAUGURATION OF JO JO_** --------------------------- Joe Biden was inaugurated as the 46th president of the United States this year under unprecedented circumstances. It was the first time stairlifts have ever been used during an inauguration. A waiting Kamala Harris was overheard saying, “_Fuck dude, this is like watching paint dry_’” as President Biden slowly ascended the Capitol strapped to the stairlift. I personally found it quite erotic.  **_RONALDO THE COKE HEAD_** --------------------------- Cristiano Ronaldo was seen removing coke bottles from a press conference in June. What a stand up guy, everybody thought, right? ‘Get that evil little corporate can of delicious fizz off my frigging table, I’ll take spring water, cheers’ was the general narrative everybody took from the situation. But in fact, there was much more going on than meets the eye. It turns out Cristiano used to be a complete Coca Cola addict, sinking 7 litres a day. A slave to the can. A fizzy sub. A massive coke head. As soon as he laid eyes on that bad boy, he was allegedly very close to a relapse. Although publicly being against tattoos, having stated he will never get one, he has ‘Ede pi sip’ tattooed on the bottom of his foot, which is an anagram of ‘Die Pepsi’. **_DON’T GO IN THERE, YOUR SKIN WILL FALL OFF!_** ------------------------------------------------- In April Japan approved plans to release 3 million tonnes of radioactive water into the North Pacific Ocean. More or less every country on the planet expressed their slight concerns about this. The US, on the other hand, showed their support with Biden commenting “_Oh lit, maybe we will start to see fish with three eyes, like that one on the Simpsons. That shit was fire_”. To help put everyone at ease, Japan’s Prime Minister took a swim in the water and invited press from around the world to watch him. Naked. His social media team described the stunt as a “traction goldmine”. The Prime Minister gained over 200k followers in the hours following the pictures going live as well as retweeted by Brad Pitt, Post Malone, and Jason Derulo. Unfortunately he had to resign in October, as his skin fell off. **_SHAKESPEARE DIED OF COVID_** ------------------------------- English playwright William Shakespeare reported to have died after receiving COVID-19 vaccine by Argentinian news channel _Chanal26_. Which of course was a case of mistaken identity as the Bard died in 1616. Celebrity American medium and hardcore Shakespeare stan Bob Mcnutt apparently had received direct feedback from Shakespeare himself about this mistaken identity, which allegedly happens quite often. From the words of dead Shakespeare ‘_oh hither we fucking hie again, have these cunts not realized I’ve been dead for years? And Bob, am I seriously stuck with you as my vessel of communication to the modern world? You can piss off too_’. Both Bob’s should calm the fuck down. **_WEIRD JELLY ON YOUR LEG_** ----------------------------- It’s October 2021 in Michigan. The Police are called by a frantic lady ‘there’s a bunch of baby squirrels with their tails tied together!’. A scurry of squirrels had become tangled up and needed our (humans) help. This image isn’t too dissimilar to when I would tie my brothers who were children up using a stretch Armstrong like a rat king. Yes I’ve tied up children, or tied them together at least. The stretch Armstrong split and all that weird jelly shit came out and got on my brother's leg, what in the fudge balls was that stuff? They no longer speak to me, meaning this tradition is lost on my nieces and nephews. **_TALLY MY BANANA_** --------------------- In arguably one of the greatest comebacks of 20s, the Taliban regained control of Afghanistan in late August after 20 years of US occupation. The all but written off Taliban spent the early months of the year attending a retreat in Napa Valley to expand consciousness and raise human awareness. Leaked documents hint the retreat was funded by the US with Biden actually attending in early 2021 teaching the Taliban boys how to plug DMT. That’ll explain why they’re all off their tits in go-karts then. **_DAVID ICKE WAS STEERING THE EVER GIVEN?!_** ---------------------------------------------- In April one of the world’s largest shipping containers was imprisoned by Egyptian authorities for blocking the Suez Canal. It turns out this was all an attempt by David Icke to raise awareness about 5G giving you as he put it ‘lumps’. David was pictured on board wearing nothing but a tin foil apron and captain's hat whilst blasting and singing along to “Bawitdaba” by Kid Rock off a Sonos Roam. His new book _Applebees, and the 5G Deception Trigger_ hits the shelves in 2022 with a foreword by Joe Rogan.  **_ONLY-FANGS_** ---------------- DJ Khaled and Fat Joe made an OnlyFans account—which I’ve been trying to convince my grandmother to do for a while now. Nothing untoward or sexual obviously, just some serious Yorkshire pudding making whilst donning a witty apron with her new bod mod vampire teeth. She can whisk at 35mph whilst slurping a bottle of Pinot through one of those wacky plastic roller coaster straws. You should see how she makes her bread and butter pudding. **_NFT’S OR COMMUNISM?_** ------------------------- Raul Castro resigned as leader of the Cuban Communist Party, after selling his NFT of "Guerrillero Heroico”. Raul announced his resignation during his opening speech of the eighth Congress of the Cuban Communist Party back in early April. Castro addressed the party: “_I believe fervently in the strength and exemplary nature and comprehension of my compatriots, and as long as I live I will be ready with my foot in the stirrups to defend the fatherland, the revolution and socialism, that being said I’m currently making shitloads in crypto currency_”. Sure Castro, you and everyone's little cousin. **_THERE’S ENOUGH PUDDING FOR EVERYONE_** ----------------------------------------- The capture of one of Columbia’s most prolific drug traffickers Dairo Antonio Úsuga, better known as Otoniel. As you can imagine this came as a huge BLOW to users across the US. Amidst panic buying and a sudden spike in prices, President Joe Biden assured the public there was no danger of a gear shortage and the country’s reserve stocks would sustain the nations favourite pastime in any event of an emergency. **_FAREWELL, OLD PANTS..._** ---------------------------- Ending on a high note of gear, enjoy your new year. If you’re fed up with your mate who's too far gone trying to blend it like Beckham on the Pioneer All-In-One, here’s a mix to chuck on at the afters. Minus the ket-esque galloping of course. Hither we hie again 2022! **_NEW YEAR, NEW PANTS MIX:_** ------------------------------ Tracklist: Mr Oizon - No Tony (feat. Phra) Daft Punk - Fresh International Pony - Mit Dir Sind Wir Vier Mr Oizo - Steroids fet. Uffie The Emperor Machine - The Point Matias Aguayo - Rollerskate Superpitcher - Rabbits In A Hurry Michae Mayer - State Of The Nation Underworld - Two Months Off The Chemical Brothers - Under Neon Lights Jurgen Paape - Mit dir Justus Kohncke - Mindless Sex Track Voigt & Voigt - Disco Dancers Ost & Kjex - Boston Food Strangler Nite Delta - Channel Red Axes - Hue Medlar - Shake It Orlando Voorn - We Made It Brame & Hamo - Roy Keane Munk - I Feel So No! In Flagranti - Nonplusultra Munk feat. Robolledo - Surf Smurf Erobique - Urlaub In Italien (Live) * * * Written by [Gerry Read](https://www.instagram.com/gerry.read/?hl=en) & [JG\_8head](https://www.instagram.com/jg_8head/?hl=en) Illustration by [Aram Omidwar](https://www.instagram.com/saladbuko.ca/?hl=en)