Photographed by [KESH](https://instagram.com/kesh).
As the days dwindle away with no sense of when we will be allowed to see our friends and loved ones, there is an all-embracing inclination to turn towards music and art for a sense of comfort, familiarity, and distraction. The multi-hyphenated UK-born artist, [KESH](https://instagram.com/kesh), fills such request with “Not Gaan Out,” an ambient seven-minute sanctuary for the introspective to flourish. Creating an almost therapeutic experience, KESH explores the internal conflict of relying on external escapism when the real problems lies deeper.
Photographed by [KESH](https://instagram.com/kesh).
As the acclaimed visual artist, designer, and DJ, begins the next chapter in her artistic journey, she hones in on her own inner dialogue. “For a long time, I felt really alone,” KESH shares. “In those moments, I would create. I could use art or music or record my voice notes or edit things. This allowed me to not focus so much on being alone or being sad. It allowed me to express myself.” We had the wonderful opportunity to connect with KESH and get a peak at her creative process.
Photographed by [KESH](https://instagram.com/kesh).
**Where is KESH right now both physically and mentally?**
My physical being is tucked away in the mountains of California. I came here just before everything got locked down. Mentally I’m calm. Although i’m concerned about the current situation, I know that worry and panic will not solve anything. So I’m in a place of acceptance and I’m just waiting things out. I'm on the backswing of a low. I just lost a friend last week so I’m in a contemplative state about death and the afterlife.
**Why do you feel like now is the time to release music after such a long time as an artist, designer and all over creative?**
I decided last year that I would start my music journey in 2020. A new decade feels fresh. It offers an opportunity to begin.
I spent the previous years experimenting, developing and refining my sonic expression. Learning how to communicate my feelings through sound as well as visuals, finding confidence in my voice and committing to sharing personal experiences through lyricism.
Last year after a chain of events I came to the conclusion that the new decade was the moment I had been waiting for. We made the plans for the year and scheduled ‘Not Gaan Out’ for March. As the year unfolded the virus took hold putting us all into this lockdown. I had no intention of releasing a song about not leaving the house when we literally cannot leave the house so the synchronicity is insane. The true meaning behind the track explores the feelings of intentional self isolation when you’re at your lowest point but I guess now it has multiple meanings. I had moments of doubt about releasing at all. My mind consumed with the safety of my family (some of who are at very high risk), feeling concern for the vulnerable and worrying about my friends who don’t do so well when they’re alone. I almost said fuck it and cancelled the whole thing but a few real ones got in my ear and helped me see it differently. I feel lighter now that it’s out and I hope that anyone that relates to those type of emotions can use it as some form of release.
Photographed by [KESH](https://instagram.com/kesh).
**Who are you currently collaborating for this body of work?**
The evolution of the project spans through 5 years of development so I’ve worked on different pieces with different people. As the project unfolds collaborations continue to blossom.
‘Not Gaan Out’ was developed from it’s original concept with my friend Amir Shoat. It was our first time working together on anything but he’s incredible. He’s this gentle creature that knows how to bring out the best in those around him. His humanity allowed me to be at ease throughout the process. When I’d get obsessed with tricky intricacies he’d see me spinning out and call a break. We’d go the shop to get chocolate and eat it in his intentionally overgrown garden. We’d watch the birds and talk about nature. After the break I’d feel better not even knowing that I was stressed in the first place. This was a beautiful collaboration because there was more than just making work to it. We connected and it allowed us to push the track further than we would if we were just trying to make something sick or strong. His encouragement allowed me to conquer negativity or doubt. Sometimes I would question if the track was too weird or too long or too sparse or too dark and he helped me through that. He would tell me to get in touch with what I was feeling more than what I was thinking and that allowed the more abstract ideas to blossom and stay.
Photographed by [KESH](https://instagram.com/kesh).
The track itself was mixed with Alex Evans. We sat through a number of sessions going through each stem of the original 2016 version. It’s a pretty heady piece and some of the more open sections really deserved some attention to detail. So we went through a process of listening to each element on repeat allowing ourselves to be immersed like some sort of sound bath and then went over what we felt each one needed to make it feel more advanced. I guess someone could listen to the first and second version and not hear too much of a difference. But if sound is your thing, you can hear it.
Visually I had an idea in my mind for some time. I knew it was going to take some work to get what i wanted. The associated imagery was a huge task and I worked closely with a number of people on this section of the project. It took 2 months to complete the cover and visualizer from start to finish. Everyone who worked on that is credited under the visualizer.
Collaboration is something that’s newer to me but it’s something I’m enjoying very much.
**What has been a main source of inspiration for you?**
My main source of inspiration has been my journey through life and the emotions I’ve experienced. From childhood into my adult life there’s been a lot of ups and downs, and that provided me with honest material to work with. When I reflect and explore those emotions or experiences mentally they start to show through the pieces. Eventually I’ll form a concept and make a body of work.
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