I’m sorry isn’t this the Incel Pink Zinfandel Prom?
Oh wow. No. This is the Lost Weekend Guadalajara Prom. That sounds pretty good.
De la O Cantina, best bar in the world. There might be a girl you could potentially talk to.
As if.

We start at Bar Aguita and drink every known agave spirit made in Mexico. You know where you can make Mezcal in Mexico? What about that girl?

Forget the girl. Oaxaca, Guerrero, Guanajuato, Michoacán, Zacatecas, San Luis Potosí, Tamaulipas, Durango and Puebla. Excuse me?
That’s where you can make it

We like Mezcal.
Don’t refer to yourself in the third person, that’s just icky.
I’m icky. I’m 36 and have only talked to a girl who wasn’t my bartender three times.
Seriously?
In fact one of those three times I was kicked out of an amuse- ment park.
Wow.
In Sentosa. You been there?
Singapore?
Yeah. Crazy place. All the rides were like 4D video. I didn’t get to do them all.
You have to be careful whom you talk to.
You need to understand how old they are. 

You need to know so much to survive in this world.

Back to the Agave.
It melts the mind. It centers your
chi. It kicks out the bad parent. It
wears a jumpsuit. It made Varsity,
but decided to play guitar instead. It has an actual girlfriend.

Sounds scary.
Terrifying if you do it wrong.
But ecstasy if done correctly. Guide me master.

Let’s start with Plata Tequila. Silver. Unaged.
Well made, it is the truest expression of Agave.
Clean. Clear. A romp through a dewy meadow at dawn.
Dewy.
The biggest haul comes from the Tequila region west of Guadalajara,
but my favorites come from the highlands around Tepatitlán.
Uh-huh.

Reposado. Aged in oak barrels for five to eleven months.
A little darker. A little earthier.
Picks up some leather and smoke and vanilla from the wood.
How?
How what?
How does it pick up vanilla from the wood? Is it vanilla wood?
There is no such thing as vanilla wood.
So how?
It’s science. Chemistry. You know any chemistry? Not really.
Let’s move to the Mezcal.

Wild agave. Fire roasted, pressed by a large stone pulled by a
burro.
Distilled once. Distilled twice and that’s it.
If you’re aging it you made a mistake. Always buy joven.
It’s delicious.
Well-said mi amigo. There are hundreds of different flavor
profiles.
We will try most of them. Right now.
Then we’ll go and you can talk to a girl.

[Note: We tried about a dozen along with some Raicilla, Sotol and Bacanora. We were ready.]

De la O. Two seats at the bar. We are living. Don’t look at the menu, too complicated. Our first drink will have two tequilas, yellow Chartreuse, Cynar and limon.
Is that the girl?

She’s a woman my friend and yes I think that is her.
What should I say?
Hello. I saw you and I felt I had to come over and say how glad
I am that you are here tonight. Smile. And breathe.
OK.
First another drink.
Raicilla, dry Vermouth, green Chartreuse, orange bitters.
I like this one.
You like them all. How’s your Spanish.
Muy Malo.
Perfecto, I think I heard her speaking some English. Just say
hello and then come right back here. Mustn’t overdo it on your first attempt.
This will be my fourth.
OK Don Juan. Can you stand up?
Never better.
I’m rooting for you.

When I came out of the men’s room an angry policeman was leading him away in handcuffs.

I think he had a good time.