Illustrations by Michelle Garcia.
Cocktails
Cocktails
Cocktails
Cocktails
Cocktails
Cocktails
Cocktails
Cocktails
Cocktails
Cocktails
Cocktails
Oh, would you like to order a cocktail? Have you had time to look at the list? I know, it is a bit hard to read. Our head liquid chemist writes it daily in squab’s blood on recycled lost dog flyers that our intern finds stapled to phone poles on south-facing streets. When you think about it, and I sincerely hope that you do, you realize the intentions behind the process. Yes it is unreadable, but is that really the point?
Let me tell you about some off-menu items we have tonight. First, is an offering we call GIN. The secret of this drink is that it contains absolutely no gin. Instead, we have attempted to recreate one of the ancient Greek gins by infusing twelve amaros; CioCiara, Meletti, Sfumato, Braulio, Nonino, Averna, Lucano, Ardini, Cynar, Varnelli, Don Ciccio, and St. Agrestis, with twelve single malt scotches; Ardbeg, Balvenie Doublewood, Balvenie Caribbean Cask, Scapa, Glenkinchie, Lagavulin, Bladnoch, Inchfad, Tomintoul, Pittyvaich, Kinclaith and Laphroaig, but just a misting for the smoke, then burying the cask in the Antarctic for 18 months. After aging, the elixir is infused into two dozen Japanese plums overnight. The plums are then force fed to an Ortolan. The Ortolan is harvested and its liver is macerated with Frankincense and finished with a Salon ‘69 Champagne.
It’s one fifty-six and has to be ordered three months in advance.
The next is FRANKIE’S DREAM: a riff on the down and out. In back of the bar, by the dumpster, is a bottle in a paper bag. In the bottle is an amalgam of Night Train, Mad Dog 20/20, Boone’s Farm, Original Apple and Summer Berry Surprise, Cisco, and Thunderbird, finished with Fee Brothers Bourbon Barrel Aged Bitters. You take the bag and get on the Four Oh Seven bus towards the docks, finishing almost all of the dram before you reach the hundred and fifty third street stop. There, you will meet a man named Gus who will hand you a pill,
and then disappear into the night. Remember to save some of the elixir so you don’t have to dry swallow it. The pill is a combination of MDMA, Tramadol, Fluvoxamine, Meth, and a naturally-occurring Stevia we make in-house. Begin walking north until the effects are noticeable, then head back here. Although a bus token is provided for the outbound trip, you are responsible for getting back. We recommend a ride share service, or we can preload the number of a gypsy cab onto your phone before you go.
That’s going to be seventy-two and there is a limit of two per guest.
Then we are offering PLATO’S ADVANCE. It’s a Shrub. The shrub is made from Durian, Finger Limes, Rose Hips, Rambutan, Cherimoya, Kumquat, Jabuticaba, Gooseberry, and Soursop. Excuse me for a moment.
I’m sorry, there is no Soursop tonight. Instead, the Maestro is replacing that with Theobroma Grandiflorum. The shrub is pressurized and used to fill an Alginate Orb flavored with Duck Fat. If you’re interested, please note that this must be consumed in the Gimp Den. Clothing is not permitted. There, you will be blindfolded and shackled. Horst, who doubles as our Moss Forager, will serve as dungeon master. No photography is allowed, but we will have some shots available for purchase when you have finished your drink. While we don’t require STD testing to enjoy this beverage, it is strongly recommended that you carefully choose with whom you are going to imbibe. It’s really more of a ‘couples drink,’ if you know what I mean.
That’s sixty-nine. Oh I am wicked, but I have to say it is one of the staff favorites.
Next is CHILD’S BLOOD. Don’t worry, there is no real child’s blood in it. I don’t know if any of you have children.
No one here does, and honestly I don’t know anybody who does. Just lucky I guess. Anyway, this is Halloween-themed. I understand that it is January, but we like to keep our favorite holiday alive year-round. Anyway, it is a pretty simple drink, we like to only showcase the ingredients. Full disclosure, we buy our child’s tears from China. Originally, we harvested our own, but our lawyers ultimately dissuaded us. The tears are blended gently with a purple Tanzanian spirit made entirely from bio- dynamically raised wildebeest spleen—truly a remarkable sip. We hollow out an aged Yuzu, place in our Pea Ice, and trickle in the liquid. That is, in turn, impregnated into a Carnukia Barnesi Jellyfish that has been soaked overnight in grain alcohol and grape jelly. The jelly is made from the Kekfrankos grape, an ancient Hungarian varietal that really gives it the proper red color, and the Carnukia adds the gelatinous consistency the drink screams out for. Oh, I do amuse myself sometimes.
This is our happy hour drink this week so it is thirty-six if you order five.
Last on the list is the BEES KNEES. Ordinarily, this is a whiskey and honey concoction, but this is not what we are going for. Outside Albuquerque, we have been raising two million honey bees and feeding them solely on Cherimoya from our biodynamic growing place. We don’t say farm, because, well, you get it. Getting the actual knees from the bees is a laborious process. Did you know that we need almost twenty thousand bees to get a quarter ounce of their knees. However, we find it is completely worth it. On a happy note, once their knees are removed, most of the bees can continue to fly and live happy productive lives. At any rate, the knees are gently fermented with naturally occurring yeast and distilled á la minute. It is served simply with a saffron and uni-infused rock candy, also made in-house, using a Galactose and Muscovado sugar we have made for us at the Shaolin Temple in Henan Province. The drink is served at room temperature. If you are allergic to bee venom, we suggest you look elsewhere.
This used to be seventy-seven, but with the tariffs, it is a hundred and twelve.,
Bear in mind that most of the drinks take twenty to forty minutes to prepare, so please allow us the time to realize the concoction.
A wine list? Absolutely. I’ll have Evangelon harvest a squab and write one out for you then I’ll be over to explain everything.
